11 AprVINDICATION

My grandmother had a green pudgy parakeet and every morning for years she’d take off his cover and sing “Good morning Puffles.” One day Puffles sang “good morning Puffles” and Gramma nearly had a heart attack. Back then no one believed they could ever talk and we all figured Gramma was a bit off and wondered if we should call in an exorcist for Puffles. Gramma went to her grave swearing that Puffles talked to her that one time. Years later I read an article about some parakeets that talk and I made copies and sent them to everyone in the family. She was vindicated after her death.

When I am tired of making a point or arguing my case around here, I put my hand up to say “stop…talk to the hand…I’m not going forward with this” and I say, “Good Morning Puffles” in a sing song voice. My family knows that someday they’ll be sorry…I’ll be vindicated after my death!

© Copyright Notice: Permission is hereby granted to make copies as long as Emma Marlow is properly cited/credited as the author.

11 AprTRICKLE DOWN DISFUNCTION

Today I sent Cayah into Foolion to buy a bag of feminine napkins. We all scraped up our change and found three dollars. I hated it for her…I was getting boxes for moving in the back of the store. I would HATE to buy just napkins…I’d get thirty dollars in emotional spending to stack on top of the napkins so no one noticed. Not Cayah. She walked in there without a cart and picked up a bag and went to the check out. There were three open tills…an old lady, a young lady and a handsome teenage boy…that she completely missed. She’s got boobs but she simply hasn’t discovered the boys yet. (Emma dancing the snoopy dance on aisle four!!)

Anyway…she went right up to the shortest line…the one with the teenage young man and plopped those pads down and started digging in her purse for her cash. I remembered I had the change in my pocket and approached her. She saw me and said, “I got the kind with wings for me and got extra long for you since we didn’t have enough money for two bags…this way we can share…are you ok with that?”

I thought I’d die. I spun on my heel and walked out without saying a word.

Needless to say, by the time I was finished talking to her in the parking lot, my daughter has my deep emotional problems and will never comfortably purchase feminine products again. What’s the use in trickle down dysfunction if I can’t give it to my kids!!

© Copyright Notice: Permission is hereby granted to make copies as long as Emma Marlow is properly cited/credited as the author.

11 AprTHE EMPORERS NEW CLOTHES

The gangster-stupid fashion statement is a look that crawls all over me. When I was younger – - – if someone pulled their pants down so low that it crippled their ability to walk, untied their shoes and walked flat footed to avoid falling down or having their shoes flop off of their feet and cocked their baseball hat to the side – - – it would have been a joke! Stupid is as stupid does.

For a middle aged white lady to mention it will, in this politically correct culture, raise eyebrows. Well…I come from the old school where it’s rude to talk trash in front of ladies or good company and as an American, I can about say anything I want to, no matter who’s political sensibilities are incensed. I’m not afraid to say that the Emperor doesn’t have new clothes! You look stupid!

The industry that keeps promoting stupid and the culture that pays top dollar to look stupid deserve each other. People have every right to slump along with their shoes untied and their pants falling down with their underwear hanging out and their hat cocked sideways like a goof. They can even assume that a double portion of ‘bling’ actually legitimizes it’s from stupid to phat or bad or whatever bass-act-wards word they’ve twisted to mean something that it’s not this week.

But don’t expect this Mama to park my brain at the door and except it without saying, ‘get a belt, tie your shoes and put that hat on your head like you have some sense! You look stupid!!’

Ian (18) and I were talking in the yard yesterday. He had his baseball hat on crooked with the bill cocked to the side. I slapped the hat off and told him to wear it like he had some sense. He laughed and told me that he had it that way to keep the sun out of his eyes. Sure enough…the sun was coming at him and the brim had been keeping the sun out of his eyes. Okay….okay…that’s pretty smart – - – it just LOOKS stupid!

© Copyright Notice: Permission is hereby granted to make copies as long as Emma Marlow is properly cited/credited as the author.

11 AprSMOKE DETECTORS

In this new house…there are smoke detectors everywhere and one of them blinks a red light at me. I told Michael that it’s probably taking pictures of me undressing and sending them to Germany. Someone will recognize me from an internet site. I’m only paranoid when there’s a full moon.

Cayah (15) tends to cook with a gusto and filling a house full of smoke is life on normal mode around here. I’m never surprised when the detectors take off and squeal their warning. A bit ago, the kitchen smoke detector took off with ear piercing shrills and all of the other detectors in the house responded! They were no where near the smoke but they took off! I’ve never seen that before…that’s pretty smart.

Cayah flapped a hand towel around the kitchen detector to fake it out to no avail. Unlike the smoke detectors at the condo at the beach where we stay sometimes…it’s smarter than that. She yelled over the din, asking if she could poke it with a broom handle like we did at the other house. I told her no. We all know what condition that detector ended up in…..poked to death for doing its job, poor thing!

The noise was deafening and we were laughing. Finally…all at once…there was quiet. I heard Cayah snicker from the kitchen….:” I bellowed through the house asking what she did to make them stop.

“I ripped their batteries out…dog gone them….” she yelled back.

So much for high tech smoke detection. I guess if the house burns down we’ll all sleep through it.

© Copyright Notice: Permission is hereby granted to make copies as long as Emma Marlow is properly cited/credited as the author.

11 AprBOO

We had a beloved kitty get hit by a car this last Sunday. Boo Kitty. Found him in the middle of the road on the way to church in the rain. Dern it. He was such an old soul. It didn’t surprise me that he passed away young. It was obvious that he was way wise beyond his years. My other three kitties miss him. So do my kids. We had a full protestant service in the rain. Very fitting to have funerals in the rain, I think.

Pets are such an outlet for love. It speaks well of people that have pets. It’s brave to be willing to love something with such a short life expectancy. It says that love is worth it even though it hurts. It really speaks well of those that are willing to love again.

My mom passed away five years ago. I found out she was dead on the internet. Isn’t that sad? A friend sent me a sympathy card and I didn’t know who died. It’s not the worst mommy dearest situation I’ve heard of but it’s up there in the top ten. I don’t know what’s worse…loosing love or loosing the hope of love. Lost hope…now that’s a harsh journey.

I believe in heaven and I believe that through Yeshua we can access that place. It gives me comfort to know she’s ok. In the presence of Elohim she’s able to love now and she has a sound mind and we’re going to be alright on the other side. In loosing her I learned that hope is a person. All hope is Yeshua. It makes me glad that she’s gone on to be with the Lord and she’s met up with her children and grandchildren that have gone on before her…and now there’s Boo. I know he’s ok tonight.

© Copyright Notice: Permission is hereby granted to make copies as long as Emma Marlow is properly cited/credited as the author.

11 AprSKATING AGAINST THE TIDE

My kids went skating this week…the first field trip they’ve been on in over a year. They skate at walking tracks and around the house but the big rink was pretty new for most of them.

One of the dad’s asked me if my kids had ever been to a rink before. I pondered and couldn’t remember which ones had and which ones hadn’t. He mentioned that every rink in the country, as far as he knew…the people skated counter clockwise. Well…now…being a trivia buff…..a variable cornucopia of useless information….I thanked him for the tidbit for my file.

It wasn’t until after we arrived home and the children were complaining about the multiple blisters on their feet that I heard them say that they wished they started going clockwise sooner….so their feet wouldn’t hurt.

I asked them what they meant. They said that they decided to turn around and go the other way because their feet were hurting on the same side. It didn’t concern them a bit that they were scaring the puddin’ out of everyone else on the floor…three girls plowing their way INTO the traffic pattern. WATCH OUT!! THE MARLOW MOB IS COMING THROUGH!!

I’m going to find that father next month and tell him that I’m a bit obtuse…that he needs to be right out in my face telling me that my kids were going the wrong way on the skating rink!!

It reminds me of a time a gaggle of home school kids met at the park for field day. I yelled for them to make a big circle and they meandered and looked around in confusion. The mom’s had to go out and help them make a big circle. Making two lines was just as foreign to them… just as trying to make four teams, I had them ‘count off’…explained again how to count off and had to walk each kid through it because they just didn’t understand why they were number four and then after counting them through it, most of them didn’t remember what number they were! Surely every first grade teacher didn’t have to go through that! I guess someone had to teach them…it’s something I thought I was born with…but those home schoolers were as dull witted about it as anything I’d ever seen.

Home school kids don’t stand in line like public schooled kids. They know how to stand in line at Walmart but the concept of standing in line to go out of a door or to go into a door or to go to the bathroom or to get a drink is just Greek to them. That day I watched as a horde of sweaty, thirsty kids arrived at the one water fountain at the park. There was no first come, first serve, get in the back of the line…because there was no line. It wasn’t toughest and meanest got the water first either.….the smallest paying big brother tax on the side lines someplace hoping for a slurp. I was pretty impressed how civilized they were but there was no actual order to the process.

I started thinking about how many lines kids in public school stand in ….at least for the first six years of school. Like I said…line up for the bus, for recess, for going in from recess, for lunch…for coming back from lunch… for going back to the bus.. Then they go to junior high and there are no more lines. In real life…what is all that training in lines going to prepare them for? Michael said, “Well…there’s the un-employment line, the food stamp line, the Medicaid line….”

Makes me think.

© Copyright Notice: Permission is hereby granted to make copies as long as Emma Marlow is properly cited/credited as the author.

11 AprSEX EDUCATION

My kids are taught to look away from close up kissing shots on movies. I tell them that if we were peaking in those peoples’ window watching that foreplay, we’d be considered perverts and peeping toms. It’s no different and we should look away. It’s a private moment for those people and it’s inappropriate for us to watch it. I also warn my boys to ‘look away’ from scantily clad women…on TV or in real life.

I make sure that my kids know all about ‘where babies come from’ before they are bar or bat mitzfaed. (12 or 13) Along the way I tell them many facts about it…the science of it and of course there is always the ‘it belongs in marriage’ and fornication is sin and separates us from God and guarding our hearts from infatuation, etc.

My girls know an awful lot about their periods. The issue of blood is so much more than a monthly inconvenience. It’s a tremendous spiritual covenant.

I know that growing up with a mom like me tends to make my kids a bit twisted…in the worlds’ standard anyway. When Jacob was eleven, a neighbor kid showed him some ‘porn’ with a naked woman from the waist up. Jacob said, “Geez…those are just mammary glands!”

I also know that when one kid knows the scoop about sex, the other kids tend to find out too. It’s like a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy though. It all gets a bit blurred down the line. I knew when Cayah found out the real story, eventually Nina would loose her innocent thinking and Miriam would loose her innocent thinking far too young. It’s part of the trickle down dysfunction of having a large family.

Recently, Nina turned twelve and I showed her the Nova film on human reproduction and we talked about love and the confines of marriage according to God. She took it pretty well….of course I know she’ll never look at my locked bedroom door the same, and I may need therapy before it’s all over.

Yesterday, Miriam (9) proved that she’d been picking up bits and pieces of the whole ‘sex’ thing and joined in what I thought was a private conversation. Nina and I were talking during our morning ‘tree-house’ time where I have coffee and they get to sit around in their pj’s. She had a question about her ovaries. Someone told her that women quit having periods when they run out of eggs and woman who have many children and nurse and quit having periods during those stretches of time would take a longer time to have menopause than women that have periods for years and years.

Before I could answer her, Miriam jumped in and went into a ‘know it all’ mode that I listened to with dismay. Most of what she thought was wrong and strange but I knew she arrived from that mis-information from of a mix of peers and strange relatives. Then she finished off with ‘sex according to Mimi’ with the strangest thing I’d ever heard.

She said that after the man and woman kiss and he gives her his sperm…the baby is conceived and then she throws up the rest of the sperm that she doesn’t need.

I about fell out of my chair! My mind reeled in horror. Who would ever talk about oral sex with my nine year old? The other two girls weren’t nearly as un-animated as I tried to be….they snapped their heads and stared at me in wonder…not that ‘WHERE DID SHE GET THIS?’ but I’d led them astray somehow and left out the sperm in the mouth part and they wondered if that is why I’m puking when I’m pregnant!!

I babbled for a minute or two and tried to get the information clearly from the mind of my nine year old so I could understand and wanted to KNOW where she got that information.

Well…it’s simple. The beginning of the movie, “Look Who’s Talking” where the baby speaks and the audience can hear him, the couple begin kissing, then they show the sperm and the egg, an actual film of conception, and then you see the female actress throwing up in a bathroom. In my daughters mind…it was all part of the same thing. We, in the audience that know, were left to fill in the blanks and keep the show PG.

I guess we were all conceived to some tune by the Beach Boys, too.

Who says Television isn’t educational?

After explaining in detail to all of the girls about conception minus the beach music, I called Michael. Jacob (25) was driving and Papa was asleep so I told him Miriam’s’ sex education. We laughed.

Jacob was impressed that I taught the girl children so carefully about human reproduction. He said it wasn’t anything like what Papa taught. I’d never asked Michael what he actually told the boys but I think I gave him flip charts and films and books to help. I asked Jacob what Papa taught him and he defended his father and mentioned that he’d used a ‘visual’. Jacob said that in Papa’s sex talk he used a drop cord.….he said you have a female end and a male end…he plugged them in and said there would be power. Any questions?

No, says I…but it explains why I don’t have any grandchildren!

© Copyright Notice: Permission is hereby granted to make copies as long as Emma Marlow is properly cited/credited as the author.

11 AprFRIENDS IN LOW PLACES

My son tells me that I need friends in low places and much of the stuff that happens to me wouldn’t happen.

I think I DO have friends in low places here and in all reality I wish they WOULD do things to help me but I just don’t want to know about it. I have many people who have asked me if they could ‘even the odds’ or ‘take care of it’ and I tell them no. My mouth says NO but my heart says Yes…I just want them to take care of it without me knowing.

Many years ago I was going through a horrible situation with a house we were owner financing. The couple was going bankrupt and they were getting the house and we were holding the bag. It was going to put us way under and I was loosing my farm.

Anyway, my friend Sarah invited our whole family to her churches Christmas dinner. She and I and a really rough looking gentleman were at a table. He was obviously a biker and had a long beard and leathers and he was slumping over his plate listening to these two, young, homeschooling mom’s with tiny baby’s on our laps, prattle along. He didn’t say anything and kept eating and we kept chatting happily, across his plate of food.

I was telling Sarah the continuing saga of that stupid house and those people not living up to their obligations and leaving us in the lurch and I mentioned that it would just be perfect if it just burned to the ground. I mean…make sure no one was in it…the folks had a child and I didn’t want anyone hurt, but I was insured up the ying-yang on that place and if it burned to the ground…they would be outta there and I’d have a hundred thousand dollar lot to sell and I’d be rid of the place.

For the first time, this rough looking gentleman spoke. Mouth full…another forkful of food hovering next to his face, he said, “Who are these people and where is this house?”

Well….I was horrified….the thought of someone actually DOING something to the house was terrifying to me. Before I could begin my protests and convincing him that things would be OK and nothing touches us that GOD doesn’t allow…Sarah piped up with, ‘Tom and Jenny Johnson at six-three-one Expansion Hill Road in Arkin, North Carolina.’ She said it fast and clear so I couldn’t stop her.

My mouth was agape and I was speechless. I had no idea she even knew the actual address and it just flowed out of her like she was waiting for a friend in low places to even the odds for us. The biker put another huge forkful of food in his mouth and didn’t say another word. Sarah looked at me smugly like she’d helped me and it was done and there would be no more to be said about it.

That man chewed methodically after that and I know he was pondering and thinking and making plans. He was no longer listening to us.

I really think he fully intended to take care of that situation for us but that house was under protection by the local motorcycle gang. Everyone else in the neighborhood was vandalized and / or robbed by marauding bikers over the years and our house was never touched. Even with lawn furniture, a motorcycle, yard equipment and tools under an unlocked carport…we never had one thing taken.

Everyday after that Christmas potluck, I wondered if that house would burn and worried that someone would be in it and secretly wished it would burn right to the ground. The reason we were under protection is a wonderful lesson on God’s ordained authority.

One of our unwed mothers was a girl named Patty who had a baby boy named Damian. Now that was during the time when the Omen movies where popular and Damian was just a freaky name for a kid. Patty was unfit on many levels and I ended up caring for Damian AND my Adam, who was almost the same age. Patty didn’t even want the kid and she would take off for days at a time and when she was home, she’d take the baby down the road and blow pot smoke into his face so he’d sleep. The father of the baby was one of the officers in the local motorcycle gang. He was a big guy named Rock and we’d invited him over to see Patty and the baby several times. He knew what electronic equipment we had and how easy it would be to steal from us. Our home was open to him and his young family.

Rock was no dirty thug. He had a degree in economics, was a business owner and had been in the gang for a long time. In all honesty, the churches could take a lesson or two from a motorcycle gang…there is not one member that doesn’t have a visitor every single time the prisons allow visitors. Their brotherhood puts the organized church to shame!

But…I digress.

When the neighbors started mentioning that they were going to call social services, we knew something needed to be done about Patty and the baby. Calling DSS is never an option for us….ever. Michael made an appointment to speak with Rock at the gangs headquarters. When Michael was in the car ready to leave, I told him not to come back with orders from that man to bring the baby to the clubhouse for the whores to raise. He knew he was between a “rock” and a hard woman at that point and he didn’t know which one would be worse to face.

Michael knew that the authority of God…established long before any of us were born…was the ONLY way to handle it…no matter how crazy it looked in the natural. No matter what kind of man he was…he was still that baby’s father and it was his responsibility to care for that child and we would not move until we asked him first.

The clubhouse is a huge compound with constantine wire and electronic surveillance. It’s very foreboding.

Michael told Rock all we’d done to help Patty and even offered more help if she’d try. Then he sat quiet for a long time. Rock looked out the window and smoked a couple of cigarettes and finally turned to speak to Michael. He asked if we knew any family that would take Damian as their own. Michael said that we’d only place a baby into a Christian home and did he have a problem with that. Rock said that he had a praying grandmother and he was OK with it. He said Patty would sign whatever papers and so would he. They shook hands and Rock thanked Michael for coming to him.

The papers were drawn up, Damian was renamed Joshua and went to a Christian home. We never saw Patty or Rock again but our home was never vandalized or robbed. Never. Drugs were sold two houses down and dirty cops played head trips on everyone in the neighborhood, but our home was never touched.

So…in saying all that…when the rough looking gentleman was at that Christmas pot-luck pondering the burning of that house….he didn’t know that it was under some sort of protection. The house never did burn down because I didn’t know who to contact at the motorcycle gang clubhouse to let them know that we’d moved!

© Copyright Notice: Permission is hereby granted to make copies as long as Emma Marlow is properly cited/credited as the author.

11 AprBELLY DANCERS

A long time ago in Spain, everyone on base got paid on the same day and back then there was no direct deposit and all that. Needless to say the lines at the one little American bank on base went down the road and around the corner and stayed that way all day. People brought chairs and scooted them along. Mom’s brought their kids and coolers and books and made a day of it. People would come and entertain the troops with their musical instruments and magic shows, etc. Preachers would come and yell fire and brimstone toward their captive audience. Before walkman and other portable head devices with CD’s and movies, there was the Boom Box or ghetto blaster…there was dueling music blaring and thumping along the line.

Then there were the officers’ wives that came to belly dance. These ladies were of every age and weight…all dressed up like something that came out of a bottle. They’d have their boom box blaring the exotic music and every musician and joker and magician and source of noise would be quiet. All eyes were on them. No one laughed. No one smiled. It was serious business.

There’s something unnerving about belly dancing. A fifty year old lady with stretch marks and cellulite slithering along the line of military personnel, tapping her finger and thumb seductively together with a ‘ting-ting-ting’ makes me remember wanting to run and scream. The older ladies and those hauling around fifty or more extra pounds graciously veiled their stomachs and many of them veiled their faces….thick black false eyelashes peeping over the top. There were still some flabby bellies writhing and twitching though.

I saw a professional belly dancer in Morocco in the casaba and I was surprised how fat she was. May-be in the culture of poverty, fat was a sign of wealth and privilege. In America it’s a sign of poor discipline and lazy lifestyle. I didn’t make the rules…it’s just what I’ve noticed.

Anyway….now as I’m no longer a sweet young thing with a tight stomach, I have to wonder about those ladies belly dancing for us while we waited to cash our checks. They bought the costumes and learned the moves and practiced together and got babysitters and took time out of their day to entertain us. It’s kinda sweet, really. I guess I’ve mellowed over the years and other people looking foolish doesn’t embarrass me as much as it used to. I can see past the silliness and recognize the heart of it.

For all you delightful military wives that belly danced for us in Rota, Spain thirty years ago…here’s a belated and heartfelt thank-you.

© Copyright Notice: Permission is hereby granted to make copies as long as Emma Marlow is properly cited/credited as the author.

11 AprBEAR IN THE GARAGE

I had a bear in the garage last evening.

I gave a turkey carcass that had been in the fridg too long to the dogs yesterday. I didn’t shut the garage door because the motorcycle was parked wrong and I had furniture on the trailer and the tongue was in the way…and I didn’t want the dew and the rain and the sun to damage the furniture.

Anyway…rookie mistake. I heard cubs the first week we were here and Roscoe ran them off. The kids saw a bear cross the road when they were picking black berries a few weeks ago…..so it’s not like I didn’t know they were around. For some of you, having a bear in your yard would make you think something escaped from the zoo. Not so here in southern Virginia. Anyway…like I said…rookie mistake. A four hundred pound teenager came to get the turkey. He left the pot and didn’t kill my arrogant dog for desert, so it wasn’t a total loss.

Roscoe had a non-aggression pack with the bear until Miriam opened the door to see what the racket was. Then all bets were off. If ol’ Roscoe goes bezerk over little girl eating robins…you can imagine what he does with a bear in the garage! He ran him off down the cliff and barked for three hours. Daisy ran in circles looking for re-enforcements while tinkling on himself. That’s his job description…he did it well.

Michael finally got Roscoe to come to the house and get inside the garage. We moved the motorcycle, pulled the trailer in and closed the door. Roscoe has been barking himself silly all night. I’m in the throws of full scale sleep deprivation. I’ve considered opening the door and letting the bear get him just to get some rest. I know I’d regret it in the morning…

…..may-be.

© Copyright Notice: Permission is hereby granted to make copies as long as Emma Marlow is properly cited/credited as the author.